Garbage Home Cooks

Contraption cooking. That's what David Chang, Chris Ying and Bryan Ford call it on a recent episode of The Dave Chang Show Podcast.

I couldn't help but spit out my kombucha laughing - I feel pretty seen. The discussion is hilariously frank and, in no uncertain terms, tells the listeners that most home cooks are garbage and it doesn't matter what appliances you own- you still aren't EVER going to be anywhere near as good as a professional. Ford's happy for you to give it a go and doesn't want to destroy your soul but Chang's unequivocal in his stance and likens it to thinking you can play a basketball game against a retired NBA player; basically it's embarrassing AF when you think you're going to score but they wipe the court clean before you've tied your shoelaces. He wants you to place your appliances down and go directly to a restaurant.

I don't even need to peer into the cupboard to confirm we have fallen victim to the contraption cooking curse. The bench gives it away. We own alllllll the gadgets. And here's the cringey clincher I should probably keep to myself. Sometimes when tasting the efforts of our toils, I do think it is quite delish. Not Franklin BBQ brisket good but, shall we say, we've made a reasonable effort with a tasty enough outcome.

Until yesterday. Chang, although not talking directly to me, actually could have been talking directly to me and has firmly put me in my place.

In a plot twist, it turns out my place is firmly in regional NSW where there aren't many places to eat and certainly aren’t any famous chefs doing amazing or even remotely progressive things. In fact, we're down to frequenting a few local haunts that mostly serve food that is hot and tastes pretty ok, so while he may have a very valid point if you live in a city where all the cool chefs and interesting ingredients are, he's forgotten the rest of us.

We, the regional people, want all the delicious things too but can't even find buffalo mozzarella within a 350km radius to attempt to make our own delicious things. I know. I tried (for months) to find a refrigerated courier service to bring me cold things in order to pursue such pursuits, but that service doesn't seem to exist. They don't even ship Hello Fresh out here to the sticks.

We can't be blamed for wanting to live a epicurean life! So instead, we compromise and fill our cupboards with things that enable us to dream we're eating food from somewhere rad, made by someone other than ourselves.

This list may give you some insight into what types of contraptions my cupboards are brimming with, all acquired in my quest for gastronomic goodness.

A dehydrator: Hello Aldi Special buys! We use this for jerky and dehydrated citrus and possibly get it out 5-6 times a year. Wouldn't throw it out, but wouldn't replace it if it broke. Dehydrated citrus is a worthy addition to a hot toddy or soda water.

Bench top Pizza Oven: I once had lunch with Matt Preston when he once kindly agreed (maybe under duress) to give me some advice about how to become a better food writer.

Thanks for trying my friend with a cravat, but it didn't work, as evidenced by this spectacular blog being my only portfolio piece from the last few years. At said lunch, the number 1 piece of equipment he recommended was a table top pizza oven. A decade or so later and I'm now onto my third oven, and use it every time we make pizza.

It's no Ooni (that could be the next contraption we buy) but manages to get some colour on the undercarriage of the dough and evenly cook the toppings. Retails for maybe $120 bucks, so well worth it if you've got the space and the inclination. Won't help if you're cooking 'Aussie style' pizza like it's 1993 like and stack your 40 ingredient pizza so high it's basically a stewed pile of indistinguishable plop.

New wave 5 in1 multi cooker: that browns, pressure and slow cooks. I don't know what the other two functions are and I only use the brown and slow cook modes. Even at a reduced capacity, this thing rocks. We use it a few times a week in the colder months. Bang in some osso bucco, sear it, switch to slow cook mode and throw in carrots, celery, onion, garlic, anchovies, white wine, vermouth, stock and 8 hours later pull out some warming, hearty osso bucco milanese. Never fails. We shall award it first place in the "Underrated and not very ostentatious workhorse of the kitchen" category.

Breadcrumber maker - specifically a $2000 breadcrumb maker otherwise known as a Thermomix: (Dinana, Edwina, sales reps and anyone else so attached to their thermy that they've given it a name- please stop reading now to avoid being offended).

The ultimate device for the garbage home cook. Thermomix community - don't come at me. I'm not going to zoom into a demo so you can show me the light. No amount of MLM chat will pester me into submission and turn me into an ambassador for the machine that supposedly replaces all kitchen appliances but doesn't (in my humble opinion) do anything particularly well.

Yes, I've got the new thermomix. Yes the scales can be handy. No I don't like hot wet rice, and no, there's not a single recipe in the cookidoo catalogue that I'm really fond of. Apple sauce to Za'atar and everything in between is average, at best. Also it doesn't grate- it obliterates.

Safety warning: if you walk away and leave the thermomix going, as is the entire selling point for this POS, it will probably explode or jump across the bench on the temperamental 'feet' and dive onto the floor to save itself from it's own mediocrity. Even it doesn't even want to make banana bread every week.

There is just no way I've found to get this thing to make an entire meal using in-built recipes that actually taste better than the alternative. Stirling even shunned the baby food.

I didn't want it, still don't love it. But I'm not going to give it to you. Why would I when I can cause industrial deafness for my whole family when I use it to make breadcrumbs with leftover sourdough. Can also concede it makes ok boiled eggs, you know, like a pot.

Kamado-Big Joe Series:

Sam's dream machine and the contraption that has brought us a little too close to delusions of grandeur - leaving us thinking our own home-made food tastes pretty dang good. Sam uses this every time he's home without fail. Backyard BBQ Masters unite. Wings, ribs and brisket -you're mine. However, don't be fooled into thinking it's one dimensional and for BBQ only. Porchetta, rotisserie lamb kebabs, salsa, earthy amazing baked potatoes, roast chickens and bread all regularly come out of the Big Joe. We now have an entire pantry draw dedicated to sauces and spices and I'm not even mad about it, because it really is something else. NB: I'm not actually good at cooking on it. I can basically check the temperature but Sam has it nailed - well as nailed as an amateur home cook who does not think he's Tootsie Tomanetz's direct descendant can have it nailed.

Moccamaster: I hate coffee. Never drink it. Hate the smell, the taste, the aftertaste and the lingering odour. However, every other adult human I know loves it and by all accounts, this machine is the best and has been since the Dutch invented it in 1968. There's been very few design changes since then. Why bother when it's widely recognised that you're pumping out the very best filter coffee the world has to offer. I'm still not going to drink it, but happy to have it and it's aesthetically pleasing presence on my kitchen bench.

Soda Stream: Francis Joseph and Patricia Marcella Gallen had a soda stream in their bar in the 80's. The very same bar had amazing black and white naked pinup girl wallpaper in the loo. Both are as on trend now as they were then. I could not believe my good fortune when Frank let us be mini mixologists, making whatever concoction we liked, sans booze. I still do that today with booze, which I'm sure Frank would advocate for. The sodastream is in the running for my most used and loved appliance. It gets a workout multiple times a day and I love it so much I could give it a name like proud Thermy owners do, except I won't, because then it may get upset when I replace it with a permanent sparkling water zip tap when we renovate the kitchen- such is my commitment to carbonated water. Thank you soda stream for introducing me to this simple joy.

All the others:

I just popped back to the cupboard to see what I've missed and it's seems there's quite a bit of inventory left. The toasted sandwich press (will replace with a jaffle iron when it dies for retro sake), a nutribullet (does a better job of spice mixing than the - you know, thermomix) baby food maker (no longer needed -free to a good home), nespresso (once loved now forgotten), pasta maker - used often enough to keep but have no idea where all the pieces could be. There's also the hand mixer, bar-mix and vacuum sealer all used from time to time.

The real question is- will any of these things take our cooking to the next level? No - a good knife and decent pots and pans are the best tools a home cook can own.

Will Dave Chang eat his words? Not in a million years. These appliances are never going to turn us into a Tetsuya, but we can always live in hope of enjoying some half good gyoza and pretty ok empanadas in the meantime.